I am tired, Lord (A Confession)
I am tired, Lord…
Energy, or the lack thereof, I am ashamed to admit is a determining factor in my everyday life. It is also a key variable in all my decisions, long or short term. For example, in preparation to make my recent decision about whether to pursue my PhD or not, I made a list of criteria and assigned weights to each of them. Want to guess what got the most weight? How much additional energy and time would be required. Perhaps that is a symptom of always being extremely busy and overloaded.
I am actually writing this while sitting on a park bench. I have just taken a long bike ride, many miles, up and down hills… which if nothing else has served to remind me I am getting old and am desperately out of shape. I still have a few miles to go and I AM TIRED!. I am sitting here trying to take a rest… my legs are completely sapped of strength, I am a sweaty mess, I am breathing hard, overheating, thirsty, even hungry. The hill in front of me, on the way out of the park, which encouraged me to sit here for a while in the first place, is staring at me.. It is pretty intimidating…
… and yet I know I will climb it, even if I must face the humiliation of walking my bike all the way to the top. I know it is going to hurt, but I will get there. Why? Because I am absolutely determined. Also, I have done it before, and I am confident that even now, in my decrepit state, I can and will do it again.
There is a strange confidence and peace that comes from knowing you are willing to make the necessary sacrifices to reach your goal. I am ready to take the pain and suffering in order to make it to the top, because I know it will make me stronger and healthier. That is a worthy goal I suppose…
I remember how stressful it often was in undergraduate college knowing you had a big project due or test coming up… yet at times I felt strangely peaceful, even while my classmates were losing their cool. Why? Because I had supreme confidence in my ability to do whatever it took to succeed. I was driven onwards by my dreams and the responsibility of providing for my then Fiance’ and future family.
My roommates started calling me “Mr. All-Nighter” by my Sophomore year. I had repeatedly been known to literally work myself sick… and if I had done it before and survived, I knew I could always do it again… and I was willing.
Why? Because it was worth it. The goal was worthy.
So now I am sitting here half dead on this park bench thinking… Maybe it is the same with my life. I am so often tired… deadly tired. I want to just take a break, maybe cut back on responsibilities for a while, take it easy. The obstacles ahead of me are daunting.
Why am I doing this to myself? Because the goal is worthy.
Thank God I am not alone. I know He is beside me every day, cheering me on towards the goal.
Now…. Lets go get that hill!
